That memory. When we went down in the ocean, our hearts pacing as the open window absorbed salt water, I saw my brother’s face turn blue-ish purple until no light was left. I couldn’t see my parents but I remember gargled screams, bits and pieces of the incident I don’t recall. It’s been two months since it happened and I can’t even remember their voices anymore. 

I clench the necklace my mom gave me and hold it tightly, in a way it’s like they’re here. 

The big missing piece in this puzzle is how I am alive, and I’m too afraid to find out. 

—

     The funeral was quiet. Tears were streaming down my grandparents’ faces. My aunts and uncles were mostly monotone; numb that this happened. Some suspect that I had something to do with it ignoring the fact I can’t drive because of my epilepsy, but that doesn’t stop them. I walked over to my brother’s grave, a black flower sweaty in my palms. Someone tapped on my shoulder, an instant shudder fell through my spine. “Why are you here? You shouldn’t be here.”  Grandpa Elmy spat in my face, the words were an orange puke color. It burns. I try not to let it bother me even though it hurts. I placed the flower on his grave and felt the wind brush against me. Ash. A whisper echoed into the forest. I continue walking back home.

     The wind picks up more and more as I walk away from the wispy trees. Ash. Walking toward a creepy voice is the first step to getting killed so I start running. My house is modern, with two floors, four bedrooms, and two bathrooms, the stairs creak when you go up but never when you go down. I noticed myself staring for hours at my family photos, trying to recall our good days. “Ash.” My uncle nodded politely. I nodded back. 

     My uncle Albert was in my father’s will, he is the only one who knows how I feel without making me feel bad about it. Before it happened he was this ball of light, quiet, but still there when you needed him most. I could see throughout my childhood how alone he felt, I understood. He was a clean person; he always washed his clothes, never had dishes anywhere, was clean-shaven, and wore nice outfits, it was rare if you saw him in sweatpants. 

     Now, his beard is unshaven, his hair a slight dull gray, his eyes sunken from his homesickness and losing his brother. He’s like an entirely different person. Once in a while, we stare at each other without saying a word. Our silence is what brings us together, it may seem boring, frankly, it is a little but I know he isn’t ready to speak. Heck, neither am I. We eat, watch TV, do homework, shower, and sleep. Then repeat. 

—

     School days are the same as before. I lay my head down, do my work, and leave but today was different. “Okay, we are going to be taking notes first.” Mrs. Peach said, the class collectively groaned in annoyance. I don’t mind notes, it beats talking to people I don’t know. As I was copying notes I heard a distant ringing in my ears, it was quiet until it got louder and louder. I put my hands on my ears; they’re bleeding. What’s happening? 

     My mind is foggy, my hands in blood, and that ringing won’t end. “Ash!” I woke up fast, the entire class stared at me…I felt like I was going to die. “Sorry,” I say. “Are you okay?” Mrs. Peach asked concerningly. I nodded trying to keep my composure, and this girl was staring at me, like a full-on death stare. She wears black, has medium wavy black hair, and her jewelry is so cool; she takes her eyes off of me and so do I. That was weird.

     “Is today a fire drill?” Lee laughed, “No, we had ours for the month.” I raised my hand because I had this intuition, “May I go to the bathroom?” She nodded, and I took off. I knew something was wrong. I scoped the school and there it was. An open flame in the cafeteria, I pull the alarm and try to pry open the doors. “Someone help!” Teachers and students started panicking, and I was trying to pry the door open. Two teachers and four students started pulling too and it opened, everyone stuck in there got out. I’m sorry for those who didn’t make it, I tried. 

  —

      We all made it outside as the school was engulfed in flames, and suddenly realized that I left my backpack inside. My phone and my journals were in there. The adrenaline made me sprint into open fires, I heard people yelling for me, but I didn’t care. My vision fogged, and I made it to the room, thankfully the fire didn’t hit this room yet. I grabbed it, and stared at the fire, the girl was in the middle. The same girl who wore all black and gave everyone the death stare. 

     She’s not behind the fire, or the front, but directly in the middle. She looks familiar. As if her face melted into someone else’s; someone I knew.

Ash, go out the window.

     I looked at her and heard her yet her lips were still, perfectly in the order of silence. I did the most idiotic thing and broke open the window, and jumped out. The world went black, and I felt my grip on my backpack. I can’t tell if I’m dreaming or awake. Sirens all over, my ears, the cars, the trucks, I couldn’t feel anything; only the presence of that girl, or whatever she was. 

      I would assume she’s alive. She could swim through lava without a scratch. I don’t know if this person is a part of my deranged mind, or if she’s real. No normal person could stand in a fire, insanity it is. Everything is still dark, I feel dead. When you die can you still process thoughts? BEEP BEEP A consistent noise that I recognize sings, I know exactly where I am and I want to leave. I need to get out of here. I try to move but I can’t. 

     “Help. Let me leave.” My voice grasps for life, it burns when I try to talk. “Stay still dear, you suffered from smoke inhalation.” I was crying, it was hot running down my cheeks. Why does this keep happening to me? “Please…” The doctor looked at me knowing I was struggling. “You’re going to be okay and your uncle is here.” Uncle Albert appeared, his face red and puffy; he’d been crying. “It’s okay my little bee.” He wanted to scream at me for being stupid.

      I try to speak, and my throat closes up. “No, don’t try to speak. It’s okay…and yes your backpack survived. You know I’m upset but I’m not disappointed. Worried sure but not disappointed.” That was a relief but deep down I knew the truth. He was extremely disappointed and I would be too. What I did was reckless but for some reason, I didn’t care. I just wanted to see my family again, sometimes I dream that I died with them and it feels real. 

     I know deep down though how grateful I am to be here, and to have my uncle keep me together. But sometimes my thoughts get the best of me. 

We lay in the drafting silence as the cheap TV station lingered. And I fell asleep.

—

     5 months have passed since the fire. I have to have an inhaler now. Two students didn’t make it out of the fire, we had a memorial 4 months ago. I think about them and I have this aching guilt they were in the cafeteria. I try to not think about it. I still don’t know who that girl is and I didn’t bother to find out. No one found out what caused the fire but they questioned me on how I got there right on time. I told them my story, and guess what they said. “That’s impossible.” I replied with, “Check the black box security.” They did and marked it as an odd coincidence.

      Maybe that’s all it was. A coincidence. “Uncle Al, do you believe in coincidences?” He stared at me, his face full of BLT, he looked happier. His light returned, but mine was a dim shadow. “Why do you ask?” His mouth was full of lettuce and bacon, it was gross. “Just curious.” 

“I suppose when something happens once it’s bad luck. Twice it’s a coincidence but a third time can be a pattern.” 

I stared at my sandwich, remembering that girl. I saw her twice, right? My curiosity burned my soul, so after lunch, I walked back to the school. Police tape covers the entire perimeter. Ash. That voice. I haven’t heard it in months. The voice started getting louder. I covered my ears, and blood trickled down. “Who are you?!” Silence. I look up and it’s her. 

     I’m stuck here and I need your help. She spoke elegantly without moving her lips, she looked different now. No more black clothing or cool jewelry, she’s wearing a white dress, and her long wavy hair cascades on her shoulders like an angel. “Stuck here, what? Who are you and why did I hear you?” She looked down hesitating. She tries to grab my hands, a cold shiver runs down my spine. Sorry. I can’t explain anything to you but you have to be careful. Her cold forest eyes glowed in the sun.

     Be careful. I knew what she meant, I tried to grab her hands and mine fell through. Maybe I am crazy, I’m talking to a dead girl. You’re not crazy…I need you to do me a favor. I need you to set me free, my grave is deep in the woods under a willow tree. It marks Laci Green. I stared at her, and she slowly vanished. The cold air became warm and the sun began to fall.

Laci Green, that name echoed in my mind. 

I’m so confused. Willow tree? Woods? I have to be careful. Everything she told me, I feel as if I will be betrayed but my heart wants to help her. So that’s what I do. I walk to the forest searching for that stupid willow tree. As I stare at the grave I’m not sure how I should “set her free”. I just stand awkwardly over the tombstone.

You know what to do.

She appeared, the angel light that radiates off of her makes me want to bow and cater to her every need. She’s the most beautiful thing. Something clicked in my mind, I knew what to do. I put my hand on the dirt patch, feeling the Earth pressed against my fingernails. I waited and waited, the world started shaking and I fell six feet deep.

I knew that I would be betrayed, but I couldn’t feel anything. As if I was already dead. 

Thank you my dear Ash for your sacrifice, you were the puzzle piece I needed.

She threw down a white rose and snapped her fingers. All of a sudden the world fogged up, I clasped my necklace on my neck and stood still. The hole started filling up with water; salt water. I remember how it felt, how my lungs filled up, salt splashing in my veins, seeing my brother die in front of me, and that day so did I. 

I remember everything…

And it was all an illusion.